my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
