the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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