Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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