You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
