your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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