I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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