You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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