i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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