Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
