If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
