I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
