My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
