soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
