So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
where am i from again
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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