Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
