I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
