walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
