Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
