according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
