Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
