My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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