gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize