They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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