I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
