I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Randomize
