I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
