I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
