Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i believe in u and ur pee
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
