I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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