Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
