She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it's like iHOP with fire
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
