Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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