WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
