Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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