They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
