I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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