So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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