I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
