We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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