no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
