He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
