I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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