there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
