Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
