mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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