Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
