I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize