I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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