Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize