I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
