Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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