You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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