I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
