so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize