I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize