You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
