xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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