If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
