Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
